Painless
by Rogue Pryde
Summary: AU InuKag darkfic. It was almost as if fooling the world made it real, never losing control meant they were completely in control. But they had a hunger that wouldn't be satisfied. They were not strong. They were not fine. They're lives weren't painless.
1. 1

Wow! I didn't expect so many people to like my commercial! That really made my day! So I sat down and typed this all in one go. See? I can write, just not the usual stuff right now. I'm going to wait and post this tomorrow though because technically it's still the same day I posted the commercial, so it won't show up as an update on your review screens, and you'd miss it! That'd be sad! Especially since I want to know if you still like it extended. It'll be a shorter story than some of my others, no longer than 12 I think, though probably no less than 6 either. And keep in mind that the commercial shows some of the most dramatic points. There will be more drama, but this first chapter kind of sets the scene though it should still leave you with a lot of questions.

It doesn't feel like Christmas season yet. At least not to me. Does anybody agree? It's like, I can't believe it's the 22nd! It feels like it's still in the teens somewhere, like 15 or something. I dunno, maybe I'm just straaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaange.

Anyway! Thanks for all you support! It meant a lot! Seriously, getting the reviews was like, 'wow! The like it! They like it enough to review the commercial!" it was seriously fantastic, since I was afraid some people would be like "Why in the world is she doing this, what a freak." Lol, but I guess I should have more faith in you guys, you've always been supportive!

Okay, enough stalling, blah blah lol, here's the chapter!

* * *

"What about you? Are you going?" She knew the voice was directed at her before he'd even finished his first question. Her 'invites' always came when she was passing by; people always mentioned them to her.

"Going where?" She curved her lips slightly upwards, as if interested but not quite committed yet. "Who's throwing it?" If she agreed right away, she'd be too eager, and the invitations would stop, and then there were the parties she just wouldn't go to.

"Hiten. He's the only one doing anything decent lately; everyone else was spooked by the raid last week." It was true. Yura's party had been crashed by the cops only an hour or so before dawn. Most of the guests had left by then, and the ones that hadn't were able to get out okay. Yura was screwed, of course, but nobody cared. They were just afraid of getting caught themselves. The last two parties she'd shown up at had been relatively tame, alcohol but no drugs. She wasn't complaining, but she knew people weren't happy.

"Yeah, it's been a drag." She agreed tonelessly, not caring what he thought but making conversation anyway. "I might go, tonight right?" He nodded and she shrugged. "Maybe, if I feel like it." The guy looked vaguely insulted by her dismissal, as if she should feel honored to go. He was probably one of the people who wouldn't be invited for too much longer, especially since he was spreading the word. Parties with people like Hiten were the kind people instinctively knew about. By the end of the day she would have heard about it, and as far as the right people were concerned, just hearing about it was invitation enough. Asking was pathetic; accepting, more so.

She left without saying goodbye, and she could tell he was slightly offended. He was probably a sophomore, an underclassman hot enough to hear about the party, but still too young to handle it right. Hiten would be pissed if freshman and sophomores showed up at his house, she'd seen him turn them away before. Sometimes they were allowed, if they brought the right party favors.

Her locker was in the next hall over and she took her time getting there. People around her were frantically trying to make it to class on time, cramming books into bags and doing final touch ups on make up, but she just walked past them, as if she wasn't a part of the scene at all. The teachers never cared if she was late; they always made allowances for the good students, and her grades let her qualify.

The bell ran when she reached her locker. The hall was empty in seconds, people rushing to class with their bags still open, or hair only half done. She smiled softly to herself, a habit, and opened her locker to pick up the textbook she needed for her next class. She heard footsteps coming towards her, guys from the sound of it. Keeping the pleasant smile on her face, she slammed her locker shut and turned to walk by them.

Hiten was the leader, front and center, making eye contact before he passed by. "You're late." He told her, smirking the way he would at any anonymous pretty junior. She knew better then to like his smile, and flashed him one of her own.

"So are you." She said lightly, looking up at him boldly as she moved to pass him by. She'd been to his house dozens of times and he'd never talked to her. She was passing entertainment, interesting for only a moment, and she knew it. But it wouldn't hurt if he remembered her a little. She knew he watched her walk away for a moment, but then he turned back to his friends, not interested enough to pursue the conversation, which was fine with her. Hiten was a ticket to night life, and she only had to stay on the list. It was the people who tried to work their way up that seemed to get crossed off completely. Either you had it, or you didn't, and Kagome doubted she had it.

Her class was only a few doors down, and she reached it relatively quickly. "Sorry I'm late." She apologized, smiling in a self-deprecating way at her history teacher. "I was having problems with my locker." The lie came easy, practiced, rehearsed, and bought by the professor on more than one occasion.

"It's fine Miss Higurashi." He nodded at her in the friendly, elderly way that reminded her so much of her grandfather. Except her jii-chan would never have made a good teacher, he was too paranoid for his own good. If he'd lived any longer, her parents would have probably had him locked up. "Go ahead and take your seat."

She nodded back at him in acknowledgement. A couple girls gave her secret waves as she passed, one of them throwing her a subtle, "Hey there, Kagome!" She kept a smile on her face, making eye contact with everyone greeting her, and swatting the occasional guy tugging on her skirt. Her seat was in the back of the class, so she was used to the usual procession waiting for her when she was late. It wasn't that she was popular or anything, but everyone wanted to greet the late person, to disrupt class and prove they weren't paying attention, probably.

She slid into her seat and pulled out her notebook, dropping it unceremoniously on her desk. Yura sat in the seat next to her, and the short haired senior didn't seem happy. "Hiten's having a party tonight." She muttered. "And guess who's parents are having the house watched?"

Kagome gave her a sympathetic look. "They're still mad about that?" Of course they were, Kagome's parents would probably have killed her to save themselves the legal hassle, but she had to act like it wasn't a big deal.

The older girl shrugged, not caring. "That's not what matters. I just need them to let me out of the house, or let up the security, so I can get _some_thing." Drugs, sex, alcohol . . . it was all implied in the one word. Kagome hated everyone's need for it, their addiction to the night life, but she had her own cravings to satisfy so she couldn't judge them.

"So go to a friends house, say you'll be studying or something." She was offering solutions half out of pity, and half out of habit. Everyone liked a sympathetic ear, and Kagome was good at pretending to half way care.

Yura glared, not at her, just in her direction. "My friends don't study, and my parents _know_ that." She was in a relatively unique position. She didn't care what she did with her life, or what happened to her, as long as she had a good time. Her parents actually worried about her and were constantly trying to help her help herself. Nothing ever worked, but they got parental points for trying her book. Usually parents either didn't care what their kids did, or only cared if it affected their own reputation.

"Do you drive?" Kagome asked, seizing the opportunity as it presented itself. Usually she bummed her rides off neighbors, or people passing her on the street, but she hated relying on guys because they were so hard to get rid of once they arrived at the party. She never accepted rides home from anyone.

Yura looked insulted. "Yeah, an Audi TT Coup. Why?" The words were biting, penalty for assuming she was anything less than cool. If nothing else, the car made her 'in' and Kagome hid a smile at the thought of riding in it.

"You can say you're coming to my house. Parents love me." She explained, coming across as if she was doing Yura the favor. "Pick me up at my house and call to check in before we leave and they'll never know the difference." And then she could tell her own parents she was going with Yura, make it sound like they were great friends, co-members of the NHS or something. The mental image accompanying that thought was just wrong, but she'd use it anyway.

Yura nodded slowly. She was an academic idiot, but smart enough to plan sneaking out. "They've seen you before." She said slowly, "some assembly or something parents were invited to. I think they were impressed." She made a face at that. "So it might work."

"It'll be fine." Kagome turned away from the girl, focusing her attention on the lecture. "Don't stress over it." She opened her notebook, slipped out a pen, and wrote the date at the top of the page. She'd already read the chapter they were going over, but you got points for taking notes in class, no matter what they said.

Yura followed suit, knowing that all she needed to do was doodle for an hour and a half to pass the class. "Hey," she added as an afterthought. "Thanks." There was no genuine gratitude in her voice, nothing to turn her into a sappy loser, but the fact that she'd said it at all meant Kagome wouldn't be forgotten when the surveillance on Yura's house was lifted. The little things ensured access to the best parties.

She didn't say anything and wasn't expected to. Yura continued to scribble unintelligible nonsense, but Kagome jotted down the main points, just in cased she'd missed anything in her reading notes. Half her ticket to getting through life was maintaining her GPA. The other half was doing everything she could to forget her responsible self. It was a precarious balance.

* * *

Everything went smoothly, of course. Things had a way of working out around her. Her parents never caught her in a lie, or sneaking out. She was always able to get a ride. And no one ever had a problem with her, or thought she was out of place. Yura dropped her off and went to park the car, probably thinking the walk to the house would be awkward if they were together.

Kagome never bothered to adjust herself as she walked up the steps. She saw a lot of girls do it, and it always made them come across as insecure, a little lost rather than collected. It wasn't attractive. She knew she looked alright. Her jeans were snug, her shoes, stylish, and her hair was swept up in an attractive messy do. The shirt she was wearing had sleeves covering her arms, but the beginning of her midriff was exposed, a look she'd been told was 'tantalizing'. Her makeup was simple, eyeliner and mascara was the basic party look, and then some gloss to match the shine on her dark shirt. She didn't have a purse, they were either stolen or mocked and it wasn't like they were an important accessory.

She didn't knock; no one ever did, just opened the door and walked inside. She left it open behind her, too lazy to close it and figuring Yura would be in soon anyway. She made her way through the crowds, smiling confidently at anyone who greeted her. There was always some food, but she sidestepped that table, and headed straight for the drinks. She hated alcohol, and if she got their before all the cups were used and the guests resorted to bottles, than she could fill one up with something from the fridge or water. No one ever knew the difference.

"Yo, Kagome!" Kouga gave her a nod as she grabbed one of the cups. "You didn't need a ride tonight?" He lived a block or two away from her and often picked her up on the way, either at her house, or on the street if she'd already started walking.

"Nah," She shook her head, loving the feel of her loose strands hitting her face and neck with the gesture. "I got a ride with Yura. I love her car!"

Kouga grinned his appreciation. "It's an Audi, right? Yeah, it's cool. I'm surprised her parents bought it for her, with all the trouble she's been getting into this year."

She was surprised, and showed it. Widening her eyes she asked, "Trouble? I thought the only thing was the raid last week." While it wasn't good to be ignorant, everyone loved to gossip, so it was a flaw easily forgiven.

He shook his head, obviously glad to have someone new to share the story with. "Nope, I heard she was pregnant at the beginning of this year, but her parents covered that one up fast." She knew better than to be shocked, especially since it was Yura, but she parted her lips anyway, a gesture of surprise.

"Well, it figures." She said finally. "She missed school for a while too, didn't she? I think I remember that. And her parents got her a car? They're more forgiving than I thought."

He disagreed. "I think they just want to keep her happy enough so she doesn't kill herself. You know what a drama queen she is when she doesn't get her way." Everyone in school knew how she was. Rules had been altered, however slightly, to keep her alive. Of course, it helped that her parents were influential with the school board. People worked to keep them happy.

"How irritating." She didn't really have anything against the girl, but Kouga didn't seem to like her, so she went with the flow. It wasn't as if she had any attachments to the senior. "No one has to keep _us_ happy to keep us alive."

He grinned at her in a way so she couldn't misconstrue his meaning when he said, "I'll work to keep you happy, Kagome." Obviously, he thought he was attractive. And he would be, if he wasn't so confident all the time.

"Yeah, until morning, right Kouga?" She rolled her eyes. "Sorry, I'm not in the mood to get laid by you tonight."

"You're never in the mood." He complained, but there was no sting to it. After giving her as many rides as he did, they'd talked some, and she figured he'd come to think of her as a kid sister, or something close to it. He was a good guy, if a little too enthusiastic for her tastes. "Anyways, I'll see you later. Ayame just got here." She grinned and gave him a small wave as her moved to meet his on again off again girlfriend.

Determinedly, she shifted through the crowd to the kitchen, finding some cider in the fridge to fill her cup. She left as naturally as she could, knowing people would find it strange if someone came to a party and stayed sober. She almost jumped when a voice breathed into her ear behind her, but managed to stay still.

"Did you get a detention?" She turned, recognizing Hiten by his voice, but needing visual confirmation anyway. He was smiling, but it was the popular, plastic smile that all the guys wore. The only natural look they had was a glare, something fierce and cruel.

"Nah." She gave a dismissive gesture. "I never get a detention." Taking a sip from her cup, she frantically tried to think of a way to keep from turning boring. "Did you?" She asked finally, quirking an eyebrow.

He was amused. Both by the question and by the way she'd asked. She prided herself in reading people and she could tell he wouldn't mind talking to her more. But then a fight broke out somewhere behind them, and knowing him, he'd have to join in or stop them forcefully. Any reason to be violent. "Have fun." She ordered, shooing him towards the commotion. He flashed her another plastic grin and started pushing people out of his way.

She made the usual rounds, talking to the same people, meeting a few new ones, it was nothing special. After a long time, she allowed herself to feel tired, to let her physical fatigue come to the forefront of her mind. Practically everyone was drunk, so they wouldn't remember what she said anyway, and everyone else was high, leaving, or too caught up dancing to do anything else.

So she followed her usual routine. She never left a party until morning, for reasons no one knew. It was starting to be her trademark, or at least make her recognizable as an 'all nighter'. And instead of boring herself with the rest of the crowd, she would try to find an empty room somewhere, a place where she could catch a couple hours of sleep before morning so she wouldn't be completely dead the next day.

It took her a while to find an empty, since a lot were being used that night for other purposes. She finally resorted to peeking under the door and seeing if a light was on, or if she could hear anything going on. Finally she found one that seemed quiet. She opened the door slowly, stepping inside and closing it behind her softly.

It was dark. She blinked, trying to adjust to the lack of lighting in the room. It wasn't long before she recognized the distinctive sound of someone's breathing coming from somewhere in front of her. "Oh!" She gasped, a hand flying to her mouth. "Please tell me I'm not interrupting something!" If she was, it would be the third couple she'd walked in on trying to find some place away from the party.

"You're too loud, if that counts." The voice was rough, male. "Shut up or get lost." She heard him shift, and her eyes had adjusted enough that she saw his figure standing by the window. It was dark outside; no light came through the frame.

Cautiously, she stepped further into the room, feeling around until her fingers hit a chair, and then sliding into it. "I'll shut up." She said softly, curling into a ball. The hair she'd taken care brushing that afternoon was tangled around her face and spiraling down her back and against the chair, but she didn't care. She hugged herself tight and closed her eyes, wishing sleep could claim her right away rather than making her wait until it tired of being elusive. It was late. She wasn't sure what time it was, but she knew it would be morning soon. She couldn't leave yet though, not until after sunrise when they would have already left for work.

Watching the shadow by the window proved to be relaxing, and eventually she did manage to drift off to sleep. She didn't wake up until something soft hit her in the face. "Morning." He said gruffly, pulling his jacket back and walking away. Sunlight streamed through the window, blinding her. She turned to watch him leave, catching sight of his long white hair before he disappeared completely.

* * *

And that is IT! For chapter one. Of course the 'mysterious stranger' is Inuyasha. And of course he's going to have his super cool super scary reputation. I think I'll have him go to another school though (that's not set in stone so don't kill me if I change my mind). And yeah, so this is the fic, it'll get better. Right now you're in the dark about Kagome's home life, and Inuyasha's life period. There will be more though, and don't hate Kagome if she seems cold in this chapter. This is just the beginning, the basic way she lives her daily life, how she's learned to survive. Trust me, it gets deeper!

Thanks so much for reading!

Rogue Pryde


	2. 2

HEY! It's me again (no duh) See! See! Yet another chapter! See what happens when I totally yield to my inspiration. Major apologies if you guys think this story's going slow, but this is the pace I want it at. I don't want you to know everything about my characters all at once. You're going to slowly be integrated into their lives, and right when you think you understand, another layer will unfold making you completely re-examine your opinion of them. At least, that's my goal. This chapter only very barely hints at some of Kagome's problems. More will come though.

And I'm SORRY! I really can't respond individually to people because first of all, I think it's kinda rude if I write to some and not to others, and second of all if I write the responses before a story, I get out of the mood for the chapter, and if I leave it for later, I always forget. I want you all to know though, I that I read every single review! I even have the people that I wait for, the ones who review every chapter, or the ones who inspire me to stay up late to write. Some of you I seriously almost think of as friends because you write to me like you know me, or you say such wonderfully in depth stuff! Maybe I ought to start e-mailing some of you so you know that, but please know that I'm interested in everything you say!

Okay, and with no more disclaimers, here's the chapter!

* * *

She didn't know why she liked walking home in the mornings after a party, but she did. Sometimes it took her nearly an hour, but she didn't mind. The air was cool and crisp; the signs of November colored the scenery, and no one was ever around. There were cars in the streets of course, but nobody else was crazy enough to walk outside at that time in the morning.

Technically, the places she passed weren't pleasant to look at, and if anything, people avoided staring at them for too long, but Kagome liked to watch everything. She was the only one who knew about the secret clubhouse some kids had made of the condemned building, and while she knew it was dangerous, she'd never tell on them. Especially since the old lady next door was getting suspicious of the sounds coming from it. They'd get caught soon enough.

She walked often enough that people recognized her. They didn't know her of course, the only people out were adults on their way to work or elderly couples gardening, but they'd often wave to her and bid her good morning. When she saw their smiles she didn't feel like she was walking in the bad neighborhood, the area where people got beat up, raped, or killed. She knew it was the teenagers, the people her age, that had created the need for such a label, and none of them were around early in the morning, too lazy, or too hung over to bother getting out of bed.

There was a bridge she passed too, so close to her house that she crossed it nearly every morning. It was made of stone, and she loved the sound of her footsteps walking across it. She'd put her hand on the rail and trace the tips of her finger over the hard, cold surface as she passed, sometimes stopping to look over the edge. There was a stream below and some grass poking out from the rocks surrounding it, but other than that, there were no signs of life, nature, or beauty. Still, she was drawn to the bridge, filled with an urge to lean over the edge and just stare. Sometimes she thought about school, home, or work, but often she just didn't think at all. She let her mind fly, dive into the empty air in front of her, and fall for ages. But she always had to call it back. She always had to make her feet move. And she would leave her bridge behind to make the final stretch towards home.

Her house was nice, she knew, one of the ones people would point at when they passed by. Her mom loved gardening and put a lot of work into the upkeep of the yard. Sometimes Kagome thought she loved the idea of gardening more, the idea of being this happy homemaker who takes pride in aiding nature. The obsession with gardening just didn't suite her.

Her parents had already left for work. Both cars were gone, so with relief she let herself in through the front door. A glance at the clock warned her she had only a half hour to get ready if she wanted to be on time for her first class. She headed down the stairs, ready to actually try and be punctual, but stopped before reaching her room and picked up a note hastily scribbled and set on the downstairs counter.

_Good morning! Could you do me a favor and do the dishes before you go to school? And if you wouldn't mind straightening up around here a little, that'd be great. Your mom invited some of her co workers over around 5 for dinner._

_-Dad_

"Sure, no problem." She said aloud, her voice dry. It was funny how their logic worked. Of course she'd have time. She'd just have to do it in the morning before school since she was going straight to work afterwards and wouldn't be home till night. So she'd miss the dinner. Not that she wanted to go anyway, but it was frustrating cleaning up for a get together she wouldn't be at. It wouldn't bother her so much if it didn't happen _all the time_. But there wasn't anything she could do about it. They knew if they left notes she couldn't argue with them. Total sweethearts, both of them.

She went into her room and unceremoniously slipped out of her clothes and let them land wherever they chose on the floor. Picking up a pair of jeans stretched across her bed, she eyed them contemplatively. Then with a shrug, she slipped them on and grabbed a dark blue tee-shirt. Without a backwards glance, she left her room and went into the bathroom, making a grimace at her reflection. Her hair was a mess, but it didn't look like she'd have time to shower, so she hastily pulled it up in a ponytail, not bothering to even brush it. All her teeth got was a stick of gum lying on the counter.

She cranked the music before starting the work upstairs. It had started as a habit, but it was at the point where she couldn't do anything right without some kind of background music playing for her. She did her best with hard, edgy rock.

She did the dishes. She cleaned. She packed her bag. And she left. The clock mocked her, haughtily informing her of just how late she was. She slammed the door behind her, drowning out the beginning of a new hit song, one she'd connected with the first time she'd heard it. The lyrics and sound played in her head as she made her way to school.

_Sometimes I'm barely alive_

Her school was close to her house, it only took her a few minutes to walk there. A few of the guys, the kind that were always late, offered to give her rides, but she declined. Knowing them, she'd never end up at school if she'd accepted.

At school the halls were mostly deserted, Yura and a few of her friends were smoking by the bathroom. Kagome nodded at her, and the older girl smirked back. "Last night was good. When did you leave?" It was like a contest to some of them, who stayed the longest, who kept the busiest, who got the drunkest.

_Just respond to my greeting_

_Enjoy our stupid meeting_

"An hour and a half ago," she answered ruefully. "I guess I lost track of the time." More like, she needed a place to crash since her parents would hear her if she snuck back, but that was too much information. Sleeping was never as 'cool' as partying.

"Girl," Yura's eyes were wide, approving. "I didn't know you had it in you." She put the cigarette back to her lips and breathed in deeply. Blowing out as if she thought the action was attractive.

"I did." One of the other girls spoke up. Kagome didn't know her name. "She's stayed all night at some of your parties, you were just too drunk to notice." She glanced briefly at Kagome. "I'm Eri." They nodded at each other with little enthusiasm.

_These conditions let you thrive_

"Well," Kagome shifted her bag from one shoulder to the other. "I think I'm gonna make an appearance in class today. Enjoy yourselves ladies." Her smile was a smirk, the accepted facial expression when people were occupying themselves the way the upperclassmen were.

They didn't say anything and she didn't expect them to. She was nearly a half hour late to her first class, and schooled her features to be apologetic when she entered. "Sorry," She offered. "I was studying late last night and slept right through my alarm. I came as quickly as I could."

"It's fine." Mrs. Ikumo smiled in a gentle way, completely befitting of a teacher. "I know your studies are important to you so I'll let it slide this time."

_Right now you look so happy_

_Content with how you see me_

"Oh!" The teacher stopped her before she'd made it to her seat. "I passed back your practice placement tests, here's yours." She handed her a thin packet. "Yours was the best in the class, Miss Higurashi." Her voice was soft, so the other students wouldn't hear. "Congratulations."

Kagome smiled back, accepting the papers. She flipped to the last page on her way to her desk to analyze her results. The best in the class, yes, she'd even scored at the very top of her age group. In the whole school though, she'd barely made it in the top ten.

_The sixth best out of five_

_And just barely pathetic_

_Numbers always made me sick_

Holding on to the smile like a lifeline, she took her seat, flashing the usual people their usual greetings. The teacher continued the lecture, and Kagome took out her notes, ready to get through the class, and through the day.

_I don't feel very alive_

* * *

Work was slow. The lack of customers meant more busy work and Kagome had to wonder if there was anything left she _could_ clean. It figured the work had run out right when her shift ended. Her cheeks were starting to smart from the smile she'd kept on her face for the past few hours, but of course no one could tell. After saying her goodbye's she clocked out.

She'd forgotten to bring a coat that morning, probably because her mind had been on other things. It was dark out, but she lived close. She wasn't worried. Even if it took her an hour to make it home she didn't think she'd be worried. Walking in the dark had never scared her. She'd never been afraid of the bad men that were just waiting to get her. It was probably stupidity on her part, but she couldn't bring herself to care that much. If they came, they came, if not, then who cared?

Ahead, she saw a fight breaking out. She didn't slow down. It wasn't anything special, things like that happened all the time. The best thing anyone could do was just walk by and avoid making eye contact. Easy.

"What's the matter? Aren't you supposed to beat me up?" The taunting was usual, but the voice was colder than any she'd heard before. She could see blood out of the corner of her eye, on the ground, their shoes, everywhere. She steeled herself and kept moving.

The victim was crying. He was probably the instigator, an idiot who thought that he was strong enough to beat one of the big guys, the leaders, the people who had _started_ their violent way of life. She probably ought to feel sorry for him, but she didn't. She thought he'd been extremely stupid.

His whimpers became louder as he struggled to talk. "I . . . I'm," he gasped, his voice high pitched and labored. "I'm sorry, Inuyasha." There was the sound of a fisting hitting something soft and vulnerable. "I mean Taisho!" The words flew out of his mouth, and he didn't seem to care how weak he came across. "I'm sorry." He spat, and Kagome could almost see the blood falling off his lips to the ground in spite of the fact she'd already passed the scene.

Half of her wanted to turn around. Inuyasha Taisho was a well known name, though nobody really talked about him. He was someone you heard about through mutters, a whispered curse, or a bit of gossip too dark to say in a room full of people. He had to be talked about at night, or in a dark corner.

There was more coughing, and she heard the boy's pathetic struggles as the beatings didn't cease. She forced herself to keep walking, to not look back. The Inuyasha Taisho she'd heard about would use any excuse to fight. He had no problems hitting girls, hurting them bad if they bothered him too much. He killed people when he was bored. She knew the rumors had to be exaggerated, at least slightly, but she wasn't willing to test her theory by looking back. Instead she mentally shook herself and kept walking, not slowing until she reached her house.

She knew better than to announce her presence when she arrived. Her parents were probably busy with her guests so it was her job to come in quietly, make herself presentable, and greet everyone politely so they knew the wonderful, sweet Kagome Higurashi really existed and was just as nice and charming as her parents had depicted.

She skipped step two and went straight in to the dining room to make her appearance. "Oh!" She feigned surprise, smiling politely. "Sorry, am I interrupting you guys?"

"Of course not!" Her dad looked tired, and she knew he didn't like entertaining her mom's guests. Her heart went out to him as he seized the opportunity to make conversation with someone _not_ falling for his wife's lines. "How was work?"

"It was fine." She didn't snap. She actually kept her voice pleasant, hoping to get across to him that she understood but she just didn't really want to have a superficial conversation about her minimum wage job. "Nothing interesting happened."

"Are you hungry?" Mrs. Higurashi joined in, the picture of a concerned mother. "There's still food in the kitchen." Yeah, Kagome could see exactly what was in the kitchen. Some cold pasta was still in the pan and that was about it. There was a fly on it too.

"I'm fine." She said with a smile directed at everyone in the room. "I ate at work." One of the women she didn't know shifted in her seat, and Kagome bit back the urge to roll her eyes.

"And where do you work?" The interest was half feigned, half genuine. If it was a respectable, successful company or business, approval would be handed out accordingly.

Her smile hardened to pure plastic. "The mini mart on Parkinsons." She waited for their subtle reactions and wasn't disappointed. The lady who'd asked the question blinked and made some comment about how dedication to one's work, no matter what the circumstances, was admirable. Everyone else just shifted in their seats and avoided making contact.

Mrs. Higurashi, a marvelous host, laughed about teenagers who attempted to be independent, and quickly changed the subject. Kagome gave a polite wave to the visitors still watching her and left to retreat to her room.

Agonized screams and muttered curses came from her brother's room, and she heard gunshots followed by his triumphant laugh. "Hey Souta," she greeted him, opening the door to his room and poking her head inside. "I'm home."

"Oh. Hey Kagome." The fact that he responded at all meant he was glad to see her, but while his video games were on, the world was tuned out. Enthusiasm was too much to expect from him. "Stop it, what do you think you're doing!" He screamed into his headset, all awareness of his sister pushed to the back of his mind. "I told you, it's on the third floor!" There was a sound, and he cursed loudly. "Idiot." He muttered. His fingers were still moving frantically, so Kagome figured it was his partner that died, not him. Smiling to herself, she slipped back outside and closed the door behind her.

Then she made her way to her room. Her clothes from that morning were still scattered on the floor and she made no move to pick them up as she passed them. Before falling on her bed, she flipped on her stereo, making sure to keep the volume low enough not to disturb company.

She hugged her pillow tightly, stuffing her face into it. She was so tired lately. She felt completely drained, but she couldn't figure out why. Everything was as it had always been she just seemed to be worse at dealing with it. Her conversations with her parents made her feel more isolated, school made her feel like she was merely an extra in the grand scheme of things, and the parties didn't give her the rush they used to. But she had the feeling that if she stopped playing along with her family, getting by at school, or going out all those nights, her entire world would come crashing down around her.

She didn't know why there was a balance. She didn't get the reason why all the little things seemed to hold her together. And she knew her fear of falling apart was irrational. She was smart, capable, responsible . . . she'd been doing just fine for a long time.

But when she just sat alone in her room, she felt inexplicably heavy. Sometimes she couldn't move. Often, she had trouble breathing. Maybe she was trying not to cry, but she didn't know if that was a sign. Usually she just closed her eyes and tried to think of nothing.

A knock at the door startled her out of her reverie. "Hey Honey." It was her dad. "Thanks for cleaning." He was only saying it so he had something to say. It was an excuse to leave the guests, and excuse to talk to her, an excuse to feel normal. But she let him have it.

"No problem." She closed her eyes, hoping he'd leave. Their conversations had become taxing, the weight when he was around was almost unbearable. But she couldn't be rude to him. Sometimes she felt like his champion. Sometimes his hope. But never his little girl.

"Alright," He said finally, taking hold of the door to leave. "Well, make sure you do your homework before you get so caught up in nothing." He was trying to be supportive, but he'd never had to tell her to do homework in her life. She was more motivated than anyone she knew and the urgings were becoming insulting. It was like he'd believed in her before, but now he thought she was losing herself. And he had no right to think that because he'd been lost for years. "Goodnight."

"Night." She smiled at him, easing the abruptness of their conversation. He left and she listened for the sound of his footsteps as he walked away. When she was sure he was gone, she allowed herself to relax, letting her body sink into the blankets, putting up no resistance against the weight pressing against her.

When she felt like she could move again, she opened her eyes and sat up, blinking rapidly to shake her mind to full consciousness. With a resignation laced with a slight determination, she reached for a textbook and then her notebook. She hadn't needed the reminder, but now she was ready to focus. She worked until late, and then watched the ceiling until her eyes finally became as heavy as the rest of her. And then she slept without dreaming.

* * *

And that's the end. I can't help but wonder what you guys are thinking now because Kagome must seem very strange, very not in reality but almost drowning in it. At least, that's how I think of her. Everything will become more apparent later. And Inuyasha's first name appearance! What'd you think of that? I like him being thought of as evil for some odd reason. He's so misunderstood! But so is she! It's just a vicious cycle! So their perfect for each other. Or they will be. I just like writing this! Inner workings are so great!

AND there is more to her life than appears right now, so don't go thinking she's such a baby because all she had to do was clean up some. It's a lot more stressful than that and when the big things are hidden from society, it's the little things that stress you out and drag you down.

Oh! And did you guys like the song? That's another 'Ruthless' one lol. I know it's probably very loser-esque of me to keep putting in my songs, but sometimes they fit! That's just the first verse for one, and I might fit the chorus, second verse, and/or bridge later, but we'll see. They are in italics, so the people who think songs disrupt the story can just skip over them!

Until next time. PLEASE give me feedback cuz this is so much darker than anything I've ever done.

Rogue Pryde.

&

**_MERRY CHRISTMAS!_**


	3. 3

HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!! Okay, MERRY CHRISTMAS everyone! Sorry I didn't update yesterday but I was kinda busy. I went and socialized with some of the family and it was really hilarious because my two girl cousins rented "A Cinderella Story" and "Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen" (I'd already seen both, and I didn't like either of them) so I sat on the couch next to them as the giggled over the guys and read my brand new hardcover copy of Dracula. See how well I fit in? lol. I'm not goth or anything, but I totally love the book! And I highly recommend it. It's not all gore and horror like that, it's more psychological, like a thriller. Very intense and exciting read.

Anyways! Thanks SO much for all the feedback on this story! It's not getting as many reviews as some but the QUALITY of the reviews is like fantastic! I apologize if the next update doesn't come out as quickly as the rest have, but my friend Katie's driving down to stay with me tonight and tomorrow night and Tuesday night I have a movie sleepover to go to and then I'm working Wenesday and Thursday and then there's new years. BUT, every spare second I will write and maybe I'll come out with often enough updates.

Enjoy!

* * *

She hated weekends.

She was always stuck at home, and there were only so many hours she could spend on homework. By Sunday, her brain would be so fried even if she'd wanted to study it wouldn't work. She felt pretty close to that state on Saturday. But then the phone rang, and someone from upstairs stomped on the floor, meaning it was for her. They'd never have come down with the phone, too much strain. She hurried upstairs so they wouldn't hang up before she got there.

"It's for you." Her mom handed her the phone, but instead of leaving, continued to stand in front of her, almost as if she was watching her. "Make it fast, I'm waiting for a phone call."

Kagome nodded. "Hello?" She was surprised someone called, more so because she didn't think anyone had her number. She wasn't close friends with anyone, so there'd never been a reason to hand it out.

"Hey. It's me." Of course Yura didn't identify herself. She expected everyone to know who she was already. And she was probably right, but her so called 'rep' wasn't all that flattering. "My folks are out of town, but since the cops know to watch my house, we're gonna use Eri's. She only lives a few blocks away, but far enough, they won't be passing hers when their looking at mine."

And _that_ was the way invitations worked. Briefly, she wondered about the underclassman she'd seen a few days before. Chances were he wasn't going to this one. "Cool." She said, conscious of her mom hanging on to her every word. "I'll be there." She knew the 'invite' was Yura's way of returning the favor from when Kagome had helped her make it to Hiten's party. She probably had caller ID which mean she had to go a whole 2 minutes out of her way to make sure Kagome knew about it.

But Kagome accepted the repayment gladly. Anything to leave the house. "See you then." They both hung up without actually saying goodbye. "NHS meeting," She told her mom, handing her the phone. "During first period on Monday."

"Is that alright? For you to miss school like that? I'm surprised the Honor society would encourage something like that." Her mom was concerned, because if her daughter missed one class than suddenly she'd never graduate high school, much less go on to college and turn into something respectable.

"It'll be fine. The teachers will give us makeup work and we'll probably only miss the first half of class." She fought the urge to roll her eyes. "Anyways, I'm going to bed. I might watch TV or something, but I'm kind of tired." Her mom's lips parted to ask about dinner but she beat her to it. "I'm not hungry. I had a sandwich an hour ago."

She left with a little wave, knowing better than to every be anything less than polite, and headed off to her room to get ready. It was already dark but she probably had an hour before she could start walking, maybe longer if she didn't want to look like a loser and show up too early. She had no clue where Eri lived but she figured she'd find someone on the way who did. If nothing else, Kouga would give her a ride.

For the next hour and a half she took her time getting ready. Eventually she settled on a simple light brown skirt, cut in a way that made her legs look even slimmer. It wasn't anything flashy, it extended all the way to her knees, but it would go good with the strappy sandals she was planning on wearing. Her top was dark brown, with spaghetti straps, and kind of tight. She kept it appropriate by slipping on a designer jacket, though she'd probably take it off at the party. Her hair she just left down, straightening it anywhere necessary before adding the final touches to her makeup. Nothing fancy, just the usual mascara, eyeliner, and lip gloss. The gloss was brown too, making her face blend in with the outfit subtly.

She left easily, not subject to the dramatics a lot of her peers went through. She didn't climb out a window, or find some tree to shimmy down. She simply left. The downstairs had a deck so she just slipped outside, not bothering to lock the door behind her, and made her way around the house and to the street.

Yura only lived a 15 minute walk away, so Kagome wasn't worried about her shoes killing her or anything. It was cold outside. Night was always the coldest. In the mornings, she could at least see the sun and that seemed to warm her up. But at night, the air felt like ice. She shivered, and unconsciously wrapped her jacket around her tighter.

She'd probably only been walking seven or eight minutes when a car stopped next to her. Kouga honked the horn twice, for no reason other than wanting to make a scene, before rolling down his window and grinning at her. "Need a lift?" He asked. His car was already pretty full. Obviously he'd already had some of the guys over when Yura or whoever called him, or however he found out about the party.

"Are you sure there's room?" She wasn't entirely convinced she wanted to ride in a car full of the guys Kouga hung out with. She knew they liked to be tough, and she knew what their favorite type of girl was, and it would just feel awkward. But when Kouga ignored her and shoved a guy out of the front seat, she knew she didn't have much of a choice. And it wasn't like she didn't know what she was getting into. She'd be fine.

Grinning, she went around the front of the car and then slipped into the passenger seat. "Thanks." She offered, slamming the door behind her as he hit the gas and sped off. Naturally he wouldn't wait for her to put on a seat belt. Who wore those anymore? "I would have been fine though." She didn't want to seem indebted.

He snorted. "In those shoes?" He took his own comment as an excuse to look at her legs and she had to will down the blush. And it was always funny when guys thought they knew anything about how girls clothing felt. She would have been perfectly fine in the shoes she was wearing as long as she wasn't walking for more than a half hour straight. "You really need a car."

She shrugged. "I really need someone to _buy_ me a car. You love me that much?" He shook his head emphatically and she laughed. "No one does, so see? It's not that easy." She kept the smile on her face. Her dad had offered to buy her one, but her mom had continuously pulled her aside and said absolutely no way. They couldn't afford it, what with all the money they'd been spending on the house. And if he tried, he'd be in trouble. It wasn't that big of a deal anyway. She had her job, but that money was _all_ going towards college, because she didn't trust their promises of helping at all.

It didn't take long for them to reach the party. Eri's house was smaller than Yura's, probably the reason why she hadn't thrown a party there yet, but it was still pretty big. All the driveways up and down the street were filled with cars. It drew less police attention if they didn't park on the street, and homeowners knew better than to complain if they didn't want trouble.

Kouga was practically latched on to her as they went into the house. Most likely, the other night with Ayame hadn't ended well. "Thirsty?" He asked her, steering her over towards the drinks.

She accepted the empty cup he offered, but shook her head. "I'm not thirsty yet, maybe later." Yeah, like when he wasn't around so she could spare herself the mind alteration his kind of refreshment offered. "What do you think of Eri's place?" She didn't really care what he thought, but it was her turn to make conversation and he didn't look like he'd be leaving anytime soon.

He shrugged, ignoring the cups and helping himself to a bottle. "It's nothing special. She lives through Yura and this is all only to make _her_ happy." He took a long drink and then wiped the back of his hand across his mouth. Kagome fought the urge to make a face. "She's not even that cool, she's just done everything. Her groupies practically worship her."

Eri hadn't seemed like such a pushover the other day, but Kagome let it slide. "Another person falling over themselves to make Yura happy. Why does she get to be so important?" Her tone was playful, light. She already knew how he'd take her question, and he didn't disappoint. They started walking, away from the drinks and away from the kitchen she'd need to escape to in order to _find_ a refreshment for that night.

"I already offered Kagome. Any time, any day." He grinned, adding. "Any night . . ." His voice trailed off and he gave her the smirk Ayame always fell for. She laughed, refusing to take him seriously. Sometimes she wondered what he'd do if she accepted. For all his talk, Ayame was the only girl he'd ever been remotely loyal to, and if he did something with Kagome, his chances with her most likely be over.

She shook her head. "Don't you get tired of hearing me say no all the time?" She asked, keeping her tone playful. She didn't want to offend him, because for all his typical boyishness, he was a good guy and she enjoyed some of their conversations.

He nodded emphatically. "All the time, that's why you need to say "Yes" sometimes." She laughed again, and it was more genuine than before but she still felt like she was controlling it, making it happen at a cue rather than having it escape her of its own accord. "Seriously Kagome," He shook his head and gave her a look. "Have you said "Yes" to anyone? People are starting to wonder."

No one was starting to wonder. So far Kouga was the only guy who'd asked her more than once, so in actuality _he_ was probably the one starting to wonder. Most likely he wanted an excuse for why his 'charms' weren't working. "I'm just a loser." She explained, giving him a grin that said she was anything but. "I can't recognize a good guy when he's right in front of me." She'd blown him off and complimented him all in one go, so he shouldn't be too disappointed.

"That was a rejection, in case you're wondering." A clear, collected voice intruded on their conversation easily, tinged with a mockery at Kouga's expense. The speaker was tall, taller than Kouga, though he wasn't exactly a giant, and she had long dark hair, styled in a way that made her seem even taller, completely unreachable. She was beautiful, full dark lips and eyes that seemed almost red in the badly lit room.

"Really? I wouldn't know as much about them as you would Kagura." He was being mean intentionally, a side of him Kagome rarely saw. She stared at him and he seemed to compose himself. "Kagome," He gestured to her and then back at the newcomer. "My blood sucking cousin, Kagura. Kagura," he moved again so that his hand was back where it started. "The love of my night, Kagome." He glared at his cousin. "Be nice."

She shrugged him off. "I'm always nice." Then her complacent smile turned wicked. "Especially to people who reject you." She tossed her hair and turned her attention to Kagome. "Just tell him you'd rather die. It's not like he hasn't heard him before."

Kagome shook her head, slipping into their insultingly playful mood with ease. "Nah, honestly? He would probably be better than dying." He winked at her. "Though I'm not committing to anything." She finished, wiping the smirk off his face. She felt like she was reciting lines, clever enough to make her seem confident, and normal enough to let her fit in.

"Man," He glared, but not at anyone in particular. "I don't want you guys to know each other. Kagura's just gonna turn you against me." He pulled out a pack of cigarettes. "Want one?" He gestured towards Kagome first, as if showing off her importance, and when she shook her head, he turned towards Kagura. "What about you?" All enthusiasm was gone from his voice.

"Aren't you sweet." Kagura accepted one, raising it to her mouth and bending slightly so he could light it for her. She inhaled deeply, closing her dark eyes. Kouga lit his own, not savoring the drag as she did, but breathing in quickly, marking the action as an easy habit, something he'd gotten used to over time. He didn't even appear to enjoy it all that much.

Kagome couldn't stand the smell. She hated the smoke that would fill the air, they way she'd inadvertently breathe it in and then struggle not to choke. She couldn't understand that obsession, the need, the _craving_ for something that repulsive. "I'll be back you guys. I'm a little thirsty." Kagura just shrugged, her eyes already scanning the room for someone not related to her to talk to. Kagome didn't think she went to her school, so she figured that was the only reason she'd come over in the first place, because she didn't know anyone. Kouga just brought his bottle to his lips at her reminder of a drink.

She didn't spare them another glance as she made her way through the crowds. The kitchen was her goal, and enough people had cleared away from it that no one would see her going in unless they were watching her to begin with. Apple juice was pretty much the only alternative Eri's family had, so she helped herself to a cupful and left.

It really was crowded. Sometimes she'd forget that, used to falling into a corner somewhere with Kouga or another classmate and spending hours talking about absolutely nothing. Everyone was moving, either dancing, or walking, or talking so fast their mouths gave their entire body the effect of constant motion. The laughing hurt her ears when she let herself single it out. It was so loud and hollow, a harsh sound she'd wish people just wouldn't make.

She saw Hiten a few feet away, talking to a tall, thin girl with dyed dark blue hair. She was pretty enough, but her style was eccentric. Her pants were sparkling and her shirt was retro and off the shoulder. If she was smart, she'd know she was only a one night interest, hot when he was drunk and in the middle of a party, but not up to his caliber by daylight the next day. But by the way she was laughing; Kagome doubted she'd realized it yet.

She turned away when she heard Kouga calling her name and motioning her to hurry. She'd only taken a few steps when someone bumped into her. Eyes rolling and smile pasted on sloppily, Eri looked up at her in a drunken stupor. "Hey!" She rolled the word, giggling at the end of it. "Having fun?" Then she laughed outright as if what she'd said was the funniest thing in the world. She was wobbling a little and Kagome fought the urge to simply push her out of her way. Another girl, one she didn't know, came and linked arms with their host, dragging her away to where the 'real party' was.

Kagura was still with him. She was radiating resignation to unwelcome company, but humored Kagome with a small smile as she approached. "Welcome back." Kouga smirked, taking another drink from his bottle. His cigarette was finished, a testament to how habitual the practice was for him.

She simply smiled, positioning herself in a way that gave both her companions a feeling of equal importance. Kouga began talking about sports, filling his expected role easily as the topic actually held some interest for him. Kagome feigned attention, but kept her eyes on her drink, swirling it every now and then before taking a sip. Kagura didn't even pretend to care what he was talking about, just scanned the room continuously, looking for an out.

Finally, Kouga seemed to take pity on her. "Kagura," he said to Kagome, keeping his tone civil, "lives about an hour away. She's in town for the weekend with her family, and they're staying at my place. She came in her own car." He added, offering the explanation as an afterthought. He looked like he wanted to say something else, something that probably wasn't polite, but Kagome was quick to intervene before he lost his restraint.

"That sucks." She tucked her hair behind her ear, taking another drink with disinterest. "Being stuck with family. No offense Kouga." He waved her off, pulling out another cigarette. Kagura was still smoking hers and Kagome was getting sick of the contaminated air. Granted, the entire house was probably filled with various illegal smells, but it was worse being right next to it. "Sorry if I'm making it worse, but I have to go see Kari about a school thing." She gave a little wave with her fingers and left, not bothering to look back.

Kari wouldn't be caught dead at a party, much less one like this, but that didn't matter. All that mattered was getting out of that box, the wall everyone seemed to build around themselves as they formed their temporary little groups. Kagome preferred to move around, to talk to various people if not about various subjects. Each person had their own role, their own way of acting at a party, when drunk, around certain people, and she could only handle so much from each person at a time. She didn't get bored with Kouga as fast as she did with some others, but his company wasn't worth being exposed to some of his practices.

She talked to a lot of people, not Eri, the one instance with her had been enough and drunk people were the most irritating to be around. Hiten actually talked to her, but he was obviously on something and didn't even recognize her, so she pushed him away when he got too close and moved on. She stayed with the crowd as long as she could stand, smiling at all the right people, and laughing at all the right jokes. She turned a blind eye when Kagura joined a group of guys already stoned out of their minds, and she didn't even blink when Kouga punched some junior in the face, probably breaking his nose, and then proceeded to kick him until his legs stopped supporting him. Some things you got used to.

She waited until no one would remember he disappearance and went in search of an empty room. This time, the first one she opened was dark. Most of the couples that night hadn't even bothered finding a room. She held her breath and eased herself inside, closing the door softly behind her, hoping she hadn't drawn the attention of anyone still partying. She'd only taken a few steps into the room when she realized she wasn't alone.

A figure, the figure from before, she assumed, was standing by the window, exactly as before. He didn't move, or even make a sound, as she finished crossing half the room and found a couch to curl up on. She stuffed her face into one of the small decorative pillows and followed his example, becoming still and utterly silent. He didn't acknowledge her presence and she found that strangely comforting, like he was her own dark angel, come to keep the dreams away.

She dismissed the notion as resulting from her mentally exhausted mind, but sleep found her quickly that night, and she slept soundly, not stirring until her pillow was taken away and discarded on the floor, exposing her to the daylight streaming through the window. She turned around; blinking at the sudden brightness, but all she saw was a vague retreating figure and a flash of white.

* * *

All done! Now I have to go clean, because that was the condition for Katie to come over. Oh! And before I forget, YOU GUYS ARE SO SWEET! Not only for the totally awesome reviews I've been getting (I love it when you can identify, it makes me like I'm succeeding at something) but because so many of you liked my song! Tabby teases me for putting them in (but she gets excited every time I write a new one, so I know she doesn't hate them) so I was kinda like "Great! I'm a nerd! Oh well!" But you guys were okay with that, which made me totally thrilled and happy!

As far as the next chapter goes, either it will start with the second scene from the commercial or start to show a darker side to Kagome's home life. I'm still debating that one so don't hold me to anything. Thanks so much for the support, especially since I'm evil for making a new fic. I'll update as fast as I can!

Rogue Pryde.


	4. 4

WAHOO! An update! Can you believe it? It's been longer then I meant for it to be, but circumstances were weird (long detailed thingy at the bottom) Anyways, I really hope you like this chapter! YAY, finally we learn something about Kagome's home life!

Oh! And yeah, I'm being a loser again and inserting one of my songs, but you guys haven't hated me for it yet and some of you even like it so no getting mad! I think I'm allowed now! (and it makes me insanely happy, so there!)

* * *

All she could feel was disgust.

She knew that wasn't what she was supposed to be feeling. She knew she ought to be channeling emotions like sadness, regret, compassion, maybe even a need to intervene and be helpful. But she just stood there, trying to keep her features from showing something entirely inappropriate for the situation. The result was that her face held no expression at all.

"Just talk to her." Her dad's voice was tired, and he looked worn and haggard. "Please?" He added, putting his face in his hands and then moving them to massage his temples as though leaving them to cover his eyes was a sign of defeat. He didn't look at her after he'd asked.

The ugly feeling she couldn't push away wasn't for him. It was for the person she knew she ought to be pitying, the one who she should sympathize with, but all she could do was compare her mother to Yura. The dramatics, manipulations and coercions to find out just how far people were willing to go for her sake . . . traits she despised that she had to deal with outside of school.

"She's threatening to kill herself."

How was she supposed to feel when her dad came down the stairs, surprising her with his entry to her part of the house, and told her about yet another over reaction. She'd found a stash of CD's, ones she'd told Kagome not to buy because the band was known for its violent, abusive tendencies. Few of the lyrics were explicit, but all the songs were angry, harsh, and judgmental, not something she wanted her model daughter to listen to.

Months ago, Mr. Higurashi had taken her, saying she was old enough to decide what she wanted to listen to, especially if the group wasn't cussing every other word, or singing about sex. It had been one of the times she'd felt closest with her dad, like he'd really understood her, like he was on her side for real, not just yearning to be.

She was always careful with the CD's, she'd even torn of the labels and written a false name in black marker. But apparently her mom had found them and stuck one in, to check up on what her daughter was listening to, make sure it was appropriate. The one she'd played was a concert version, where they screamed their name for the audience to cheer to, and of course she'd recognized it.

"She won't talk to me."

How was she supposed to feel when her dad tried to hide how tired his eyes were and said her mom was threatening suicide? What emotions were supposed to flare up? Was she supposed to be understanding? Calm? Hysterical? She felt cold and callous as she made her way up the stairs, as if she were viewing her emotions from outside her body and shaking her head in despair over the harsh judgment that filled her where there should have been compassion.

It wasn't that she hated her, or anything at all to that effect. It was just so pointless, inspiring words like 'pathetic' and 'irrational' to come to the forefront of her mind, unbidden and unwanted but too strong to fight down. Did it make her a bad person? What kind of daughter heard a sentence like that and didn't cry? She hadn't even frowned. Her face had gone slack, her eyes empty, anything to hide the disgust that had immediately risen.

The door was in front of her and she could hear crying on the other side. Mechanically, she raised a hand, formed it into a fist, and knocked slowly, softly like she knew she should. Everything had become a script and she was only playing the part expected, the only acceptable role for the situation. As if she didn't feel the ugly feelings choking her.

"Mom?" Her voice was soft, hesitant, and a little insecure, the real emotion she couldn't hide. "Are you okay?" She didn't know what to do with her hands now that she'd knocked, and they hung loosely at her side. She didn't know what to do with any of her body. She felt awkward and out of place as she waited for a reply.

"Or course I'm not okay." She sounded strangled, as if her tears had gotten stuck inside her throat and refused to let her breath. She gasped for air before continuing. "But I'll be fine, go away." It was such a stark contrast to the woman she was in front of the world. It was comical, really, just how different she could become without any warning. "Go Kagome."

Her dad was watching her, somehow having made it up the stairs without her noticing. He motioned for her to continue, to say something else. "I'm sorry." She offered, wondering if the words sounded as insincere as they felt escaping her lips. "I didn't mean to-" She struggled to find the right words, feeling stupid and inadequate. "I'm sorry I bought the CD's." She finished, staring at the wooden door as if that was where her apology was directed.

"It's not _about_ you buying the CD's." Her mother's voice was harsh, raspy from continual sobbing. "Don't apologize for _that_." She sounded angry, as if the misunderstanding was a personal offense. It didn't make any sense to Kagome, but she knew better than to argue. Instead she waited. "It's that you got those horrible CD's and actually hid them from me!"

Wasn't that the same thing? Kagome didn't say anything but her mother didn't break the silence. Finally, she turned to go, giving her dad a helpless shrug. She couldn't take it anymore. She couldn't stand there and pretend to feel whatever emotion she was supposed to be feeling when all she wanted to do was feel nothing . . . an absolute nothing that would erase the disgust that threatened to overwhelm her.

"I'm sorry about the CD's." She said quietly, stepping away from the room and starting for the stairs, passing her dad without looking at him. The door opened behind her, and her mother came out in her bathrobe, her body weakened and shaking from her crying.

"I told you." Her eyes were bloodshot and intense, not glaring but harboring some desperate emotion her daughter couldn't define. "It's not about the CD's." She was quickly regaining her composure, her breathing becoming less erratic and calmer. She stood tall, as if convinced of her own righteousness.

Kagome didn't say anything. She just continued making her way down the stairs, and no force on earth could have made her turn back and face either of her parents. She went straight to her room and turned on her radio, loud enough to drown out any possible thoughts, but quiet enough not to disturb anyone upstairs.

And that night at dinner, everything was fine. Her mom made a simple meal, nothing fancy or too complicated, but enjoyable all the same. Her brother knew nothing of what had taken place that afternoon and no one mentioned it. Her mom's eyes seemed a little redder than normal, but it was easy to overlook. Her dad tried to keep conversation going on any positive topic.

She didn't protest their handling of the dinner, if anything, she was grateful for their game. It was easier to play the part of a smart, capable daughter than whatever she had been earlier. Sinking into her normal routine was a relief and worked nearly as well as the music to stop her mind from thinking anything at all.

* * *

Parties came and went, days passed by, turning to weeks with little change. Hiten recognized her enough to give her smirks or even a small wave at school or at one of the night time 'socials' but they hadn't had any significant conversations, nothing that would give her the kind of security she wanted for her night life.

Her family was normal, of course, wonderfully, sanely, and absolutely normal. No more suicide threats since that day with her mother, and no one had made mention of it. Her dad seemed more withdrawn then ever, as if he was asking for help but didn't even know what he needed. Kagome didn't know either and it was often painful to meet his eyes when he looked at her. She felt like he was begging her for something and she was too pathetic, too far removed from his reality, to understand, much less give it to him.

And she was tired all the time, more so than normal. Her studies weren't suffering, she'd never allow that to happen, but to her it seemed as if she was running on autopilot. And at night, when sleep should have replenished her minds ability to function normally, she was restless, tossing and turning with a nervous energy that refused to let her rest. She felt like she was going crazy. Oddly enough, she was sleeping best at the parties she went to, as if the stranger really was some kind of dark angel, someone strong enough to keep the bad thoughts away.

Seeing him was becoming less of an oddity and more of a comfort. The silence enveloping them was like a spell, binding them to each other for the space of that night. She liked to think that his thoughts were easier because of her presence too. But she never spoke to him, not even in greeting or farewell. She was afraid it would ruin it; ruin whatever it was that made her feel safe.

She forgot that she wasn't the only one with the power to make that choice, and in the end, the spell shattered whether she wanted it to or not.

"Again?" The word broke the silence, the stillness she was used to when they were alone. She'd been in the room with him for only about ten minutes, but it was the first time he'd spoken to her since the first time she'd met him.

"Is that bad?" It was dark. It was always dark when the met. The partiers were at their craziest, the good people were leaving, the druggies were stoned, everyone else was drunk . . . and the two of them retreated to the last room in whatever house they were in that wasn't taken up by a busy couple.

"I don't care." He moved from the window, surprising her even more. He sat across from her, on the couch. She couldn't see his face, but was glad he had the same disadvantage. "Who are you?"

She shrugged, not even knowing if he could see the gesture. "You wouldn't recognize the name if I told you. I'm no one. I come to these things because I'm invited, because I have the kind of face people ask, I guess. It's something to do." She paused, trying to regard him in the darkness. "Who are you?"

She thought he smirked, but couldn't be sure. "You'd know _my_ name if I told you. I'm half the reason people throw these things. I make an appearance and then wait it out. Like you said, it's something to do."

Somewhere to go, her mind corrected, but she didn't say anything, just curled herself up tighter and willed sleep to overtake her. And when morning came, someone smacked her in the head lightly, waking her up. She only saw his white hair before the door closed behind him.

* * *

I'm searching for my kind of heaven

Music seemed to overpower the room, filling the atmosphere so strongly it was impossible to know where it originated. It seemed to pulsate around her, radiating from the walls themselves and gaining power with every body moving in synch to it. The air was sickly sweet, perspiration and layers of sprays and perfumes so thick you could almost see the vapors. And it was dark, so dark at times it was as if everyone had their eyes closed, so blinding you had to smell that perverse air to convince yourself you were still alive. Beams of colored light cut through the air at random intervals, bathing dancers in magnificent strobes, as cheap as they were exotic.

Full of people unforgiven

She didn't usually go to clubs. She found them demeaning almost, a party without the rush of watching for cops, an excuse for everyone to get drunk and leave her no place to hide. But she didn't have a lot of choice in the matter. There were no parties that night and Kouga had seen her doing homework on her porch as he was heading over. A few rehearsed lines were enough to satisfy her parents and she'd left. Anywhere was better than home, even if she felt sick to her stomach.

I want to fall, crash when I land

Kouga was in front of her, his body obeying the all-encompassing sound pounding in her head. She moved too, with him. Her hair flew, ripping through the sounds and smells surrounding her, and she let her hands interpret whatever message being played of their own accord. Her feet didn't hurt, in spite of the heels she'd made herself wear. She was getting caught up in all of it. The moment, the shocking lights, the music so loud it drowned out thoughts, the alcoholic aftertaste on her tongue when she parted her lips to catch her breathe . . . all of it was tantilizing, mesmerizing her with the very emotions that made her hate that place.

Watch them cry for me

Her cell phone buzzed, vibrating against her hip so suddenly she jumped out tempo. "Phone!" She shouted at Kouga, making sure to mouth the word carefully since she doubted he could hear her. He nodded and waved her off. To be honest, it wasn't her phone, but her dad's, so that they could reach her in case of an emergency. Biting back a groan she pushed her way through the crowds, thankful a bathroom was close enough they wouldn't have to wait a suspicious amount of time.

She closed the door behind her and jammed it with the trash bin before moving down to the furthest stall and locking herself inside. The sound was minimal there, the walls were thick, made of stone and concrete. "Hello?" She answered, pressing the phone tightly against her ear.

"Hey!" Her dad's voice was light, as if he was happy. As if he hadn't stood there and listened to her mom denounce their marriage for a mistake, admit to saving it only for the sake of pretences, and as if he hadn't turned and walked away, disappearing for hours, leaving her alone in the room, in that house. It was a routine, almost a family tradition, but the feeling of abandonment never weakened.

"I was just wondering what time you'd be coming home tonight." He asked, keeping his tone neutral and content. "I got mom to make your favorite." Which meant he talked to her. She didn't know if that was good or bad.

Grip the offending helping hand

She hated herself before she even answered him. "I'm not coming home tonight." Her voice carried an easy smile, and she knew she was crushing him. "I'm going to stay over at Ayumi's to study for the midterm I told you about." She took deep breaths, steady but fast, sucking in the air as if it fueled her cruel nonchalance.

She heard so much in his pause. She could almost see his mask slip as she failed to play along with his idea of family. His face would be neutral but his eyes would suddenly turn dark, all light, machinated or otherwise, gone. His lines would be visible and even his voice was tired when he answered her. "Alright." He said softly, not arguing with her. She felt his hurt acutely, but more vivid was his despair, as if he didn't expect her to care what he felt anymore. "I'll see you tomorrow then." He whispered a goodbye and hung up.

Somebody slap me

Her hands shook. She felt the phone slip from her fingers but she her mind barely registered it. Legs wobbly, she leaned against the side of the stall, hugging herself with an intensity that would have frightened her if she hadn't been so angry the gesture didn't comfort her. It would pass. The guilt, self-hate, and hopelessness were another ritual she shared with her family. Every conversation made her feel inadequate and heartless. She couldn't have hurt him more if she'd scripted her lines. But she wasn't strong enough to be that good person. She wasn't strong enough to go home.

Her eyes filled and with a gasp she stumbled out of the stall, across the room, and opened the door, submerging herself in the reality she could control. The terrible feeling of being alone was swiftly replaced by feelings that didn't have names. That's what clubs were really for, erasing all forms of sentience people were capable of having, and replacing them with instincts. Movement and breathing were the only commands the mind could follow.

Music pulsing under skin

She wasn't really looking for Kouga. She let herself be carried whichever direction the masses took her, dancing against anyone close enough to touch. It wasn't until she'd gained complete control over herself that she caught the eyes of anyone she recognized. She kept visual contact and continued to let her body move fast than she could think as he steadily made his way towards her.

Promising all kinds of sin

Hiten didn't smile when he made it to her. He didn't say her name, or give any form of greeting or acknowledgement at all. He just started to dance, closer and closer until it was as if he was an extension of her. The music sped up, and so did they, faster and faster until she forgot to breathe. A part of her was disgusted by his nearness and by her offensive acceptance of it, but she pushed that part of her away as hard as she could.

I will love the crimes my life has depicted

She didn't want to think, couldn't afford to, because thinking led to honesty and she was sick and tired of judging herself or having others do it for her. She refused to accept the existence of a tomorrow, of any possible future moment. All she'd believe in was now. It was the only way to get rid of the hurt.

So she danced. Eventually her partners changed, over and over, but she never noticed or cared. Kouga found her hours later and practically dragged her out to take her home. He dropped her off in front of her house and sped off to meet some friends for a different kind of party. She couldn't go in. It was late, she was afraid she'd wake them up, or that they might somehow see her in bed the next morning. And she didn't want to go in that house, not yet.

So she sat down hard on the sidewalk. Vaguely she felt the limpness in her muscles, the physical exhaustion she'd put herself under trying to run away from reality. She pulled her knees against her chest and hugged them tightly, letting her chin rest on them as she stared into the night. Inexplicably, her vision blurred, and something hot and heavy slipped and fell down her cheek, first one and then the other. And then she was crying so hard she couldn't stop, pressing both hands desperately against her mouth to muffle her sobs.

_Because my wounds are all self-inflicted _

* * *

THE END! Sorry! This one was going to be updated all the time, but I started school and then forgot, completely FORGOT, about my internet class, meaning I'm all behind it and everything, plus I have all my other classes I'm trying to get under control. I'm strange, I have to have a working order for things, but it's a procrastinating order. And once I have it, I'm in control. For example, I'm now prepared for next week because I have no homework in Political Sciences, the break after gives me time for chinese food with Rachel and then my Shakespeare reading and informal essay right before my shakespeare class. Get home, go to work, maybe to online stuff (but doubtful, cuz Monday's not last minute enough for me). Then Tuesday, get to campus an hour and a half before my History class and do THAT reading, taking notes according to outline for midterm. 2 hour class and then 1 hour break to do French Homework before THAT class, then straight to work, no home first. See? If I schedules Shakespeare homework for Sunday night, it just wouldn't work. I'd sit there and TRY to do it, and get nothing done. But now I have my thinking schedule worked out, so I ought to be able to update more.

Dude I am strange. Oo

Oh well, anyways! I hope you guys liked this chapter, I think it's a lot more profound and deep then the other ones, and you get more of an idea of how Kagome feels and why. And you'll be glad to know I've figured out how she and Inuyasha are going to meet face to face! I actually like the idea a lot, I'm just not sure where it'll fit in. Anyways, please let me know what you think, because this fic really is different then most of mine and it's so interesting to hear what you guys think about it! I really need that!

I love you guys!

Rogue Pryde


	5. 5

OH MY FREAKING WORD! I've actually UPDATED! Yes, I'm aware this makes you both semi-like me and completely hate me. Half of you want me to update something else, but you see, I'm totally at loss for inspiration. I thought of this on my way home from school and popped it all out tonight! Thank goodness I didn't have work or the idea would have rotted in my brain until it was unusable. This one is a little darker than the other chapters (believe it) and I think a lot of you may not like what I've stuck in. But this is what I want the story to be about. And some character notes:

Kagome is so EXTREMELY OOC, but at the same time, wouldn't anyone be changed, living her life? And it's not like she acts so outwardly different, she's just different inside. BUT, she still has that pureness of heart that makes her Kagome, it's just buried under a lot of loneliness and hurt right now. When you feel alienated by your own family and when you're carefully constructed reality is like a bad fairy tale, it takes a lot to bring back the girl who can make someone like Inuyasha believe in things again. So first will come him dragging her down, before (maybe, if I decide to make the happy ending) her pulling him up.

We see the first insight to Inuyasha's character in this chapter! Believe me, he's not so much of a nice person right now. But he's not all bad either! Gah, I don't know how to explain it. Yes, he says harsh things, BUT is he really mean in how he says them? Or has he been mean in other chappies?

Sango and Miroku have their cameo! Be forewarned, it's not too pretty, it could have been uglier but even my stomach churned. I just can't write some things in detail. It makes me angry.

Okay, that's it! PLEASE don't hate me for taking forever! I honestly am trying! I just want to put out chapters that say what I want them too. (I just don't know what that is).

* * *

She'd went for a walk.

Not a long one, fifteen, twenty minutes tops. It was still light out when she'd made it back home. She hadn't gone very far either, just to the bridge and back. And if she'd spent ten minutes staring over the edge, feeling an almost aching hunger, what did it matter? Walks were normal.

But when she slipped inside, intending to make it to her room, her dad cornered her in the hallway. He wasn't actually blocking her, but he'd made eye contact and to push past him would be a cruel, purposeful act of disrespect. "Where'd you go?" He asked lightly. He must have been talking to her mom recently; the lines on his face were more defined.

She shrugged. "No where in particular. I just felt like moving around a little. I've been so cooped up lately." Not entirely true, but parties didn't count. "Why? Did you need me for something?" She looked up expectantly, waiting for an answer or a dismissal.

He shook his head slowly. "No." He drew out the word, forcing her to keep her attention on him. "Are you okay?" He asked finally, looking at her with those clear, old eyes she hated. He used to mask them more, but now the effort seemed too much. He probably felt safe around her. Of course she was strong enough to watch the breaking down of a man she'd admired and respected all her life. Of course she could be the strong one for her father. Of course it didn't hurt when his eyes asked her for what she couldn't give. Of course.

"Of course." She answered, giving him a hesitant smile. She didn't want to dismiss him outright, but she didn't like the seriousness of his voice. "Why wouldn't I be?"

He shrugged again, shoulders sagging. "I don't know." He whispered. His arm moved, as if to run a hand through his hair, but dropped after little effort. "You just seem so tired lately. So drawn out. As if you're tired of life." He wasn't looking at her, he was staring at the wall. And he wasn't talking to her either. She knew better than that.

He was the one tired. He was the one who'd disappear for an hour or two, coming back only to fall asleep on the couch. He was the one who couldn't cope with reality. She wasn't the one losing herself in emotions she should have got used to feeling by now. In her mind she judged him harshly, almost cruelly, but that he'd pushed his insecurities, weaknesses and insufficiencies onto her made her angry.

"I'm fine." She said shortly, eyes hooded. She'd never expected approval or pride from her parents, but she hated hearing their attempts to find failure with her. She wasn't allowed to be happy because they weren't. It was impossible that she was fine. But she was. She was happy and fine and not so tired of life she'd make a spectacle of herself.

He didn't say anything. Like he didn't believe her or something. But of course he didn't, because it was him that he was talking about in the first place, and he _knew_ he wasn't fine. He judged himself through her. Never mind that it stung. He pushed his way past her and headed to his room. She didn't follow, didn't even move. It wasn't until she was breathing normally again and her eyes stopped hurting that she made her feet take her to her room, where the music pushed and pushed inside her until she was forced to forget the rejection she felt.

* * *

Lots of things didn't matter at parties. Like names, or parents, or where you worked, unless you were great enough that they made a positive difference. It didn't matter what school you went to either. Kagome's school and their rival often went to the same parties. She didn't even know which students were which, unless the guys were talking sports. Some faces were unfamiliar enough that she could guess, but even then she wasn't sure. And yeah, she wanted to stand out to the right people, but sometimes anonymity was good.

She didn't even know whose home she was in. Hiten, Yura, and all the other major partiers from her school were there, and when Hiten himself had mentioned it to her as they passed in the hall, she'd known she had to go. It was too far to walk, and since Kouga was off again with Ayame she opted to take the bus. She made it there about half way through midnight.

It was officially a big party. And she had officially been singled out by the guy who made everything official. She was dressed for the occasion in dark jeans and a dark blue spaghetti strap. It would be social suicide to look excited about something the people she was around took for granted. It would make her look awkward, immature, and annoying. So instead of dressing to impress, she wore something that made her look good, and even better, made her look like she didn't care. She accented the look with multi-beaded blue bracelets on her right wrist and a topaz choker around her neck. Her hair was straightened, falling lightly against her bare skin.

Most of the people were already there. Not many of them had to worry about sneaking out or transportation. She wove through the crowds, flashing a rehearsed smile at the few suggestive comments thrown in her direction. It wasn't too long until she saw Hiten, surrounded by a group of his usual cronies, and a few guys she hadn't seen before. Tossing her hair, she stared fixedly at anywhere other then him, and attempted to nonchalantly pass him. It wasn't the girl's job to give attention to the guy; _he_ was supposed to approach _her_. Especially since she was there because of him.

She wasn't surprised when he didn't call out to her as she passed. What did surprise her was that after she'd already started to leave him behind, a hand reached out and grabbed her by her unadorned wrist. "Kagome." His voice held no warmth when he said her name. There didn't even seem to be any inflection in it. But all the same, she turned to face him, lips curving into an approving smile. "How long have you been here?"

She shrugged, almost delicately. "I don't know, I wasn't paying attention." She made her voice lazy, disinterested in the all too normal line of conversation. "Anything interesting happen?" She slid her eyes from Hiten and scanned the rest of the group. Some were smiling at her, others absorbed in their own conversations, and a few met her gaze with little or no interest.

He shook his head. "Want a beer?" He asked, gesturing to the refreshment table in full view. It would have been hard to sneak something nonalcoholic so she shook her head and he turned away. That easy. It was that easy to be dismissed. She knew better than to try and pursue a dead conversation. And since he'd been the last one to ask a question, the blame didn't lie with her. It wouldn't lie with him either, because of his standing, but at least she wasn't completely shoved aside.

She was about to turn and leave when the group next to the erupted explosively. "I said SHUT UP and piss off!" A tall, tanned, athletic looking girl, wearing jeans and a black top much like Kagome's, glared vehemently at the bleach haired boy in front of her. The idiot still had a self-assured smile on his face, either too stupid or too drunk to realize that she wasn't being coy with him.

He reached for her, for what seemed to be the second or third time, and the girl went even more livid. Ponytail flying, she picked up a bottle from a nearby tray and flung it in his face. It didn't shatter, but it cracked with a sickening THUD against his face. His nose spurted and he stumbled back, his friends stepping forward quickly to support him if he fell. He glared at her, and might have even tried to swing at her, but she'd already turned and left him, clearly telling the world he wasn't even worth gloating over.

Most of the kids didn't even seem surprised. A few she knew from her own school were staring open mouthed. She wasn't that obvious, but she knew her eyes were wide. She'd never seen a girl meet an unwelcome advance with so much resistance. Hiten saw her staring and grinned, easing her back into his company.

"That," he gestured towards the retreating girl, "Would be Sango. Pride and Joy of the women's basketball team we can't stand." A couple of the guys snorted.

"She's actually relatively new to the school." One of them, probably from the opposing school, spoke up. "She went like 2 years ago, but dropped out. She came back at the beginning of this year and joined the team. She used to be this scrawny little freshman, but now she's practically butch."

One of the taller guys, with shoulder length blonde hair, shook his head. "No way. She's too hot to be butch."

A shorter one next to him snorted. "Trust me, butch can be hot. Extremely hot."

"What'd she drop out for?" A senior from Kagome's school wanted to know. He'd been eyeing the other girl in a way that wasn't at all appropriate. "Bad grades? Pregnant?" The last part had a leer to it.

The first guy half laughed half coughed. "Not exactly." His grin was malicious. "Stupid girl went to a party a little too grown up for her and got a little too drunk. Some guys roughed her up a bit, maybe played around a little." At the laugh from his schoolmates he corrected himself.

"Okay, maybe played around a lot. In any case, she wasn't as ready as she thought to party and wouldn't even show up for school the next day. A couple of the guys even called her," his eyes glinted. "Just to check up on her, but she wouldn't talk to them. I guess she got herself some self-defense classes and maybe some psyche stuff to give her a backbone, cause when she came back, she didn't let anybody mess with her."

He gave a sigh that would make a martyr proud. "She can't even take a joke." Then he grinned. "But she's hot and she's entertainment, our own personal tough girl mascot. And she wins basketball games." He added as an afterthought. The guys laughed, Hiten loudest of all, loosely draping his arm around Kagome's shoulders as he took another drink from his nearly empty bottle.

She smiled weakly. Her knees shook but she forced herself to stand steady. She felt sick. If the topic didn't change soon she knew she'd throw up. A freshman girl gang raped while drunk at a party. And the guys were laughing about it. In a horrible way, it made complete sense. They were all about having a good time and to people like them, the more twisted the better. But the face that it was so utterly normal made it even more perversely and disgustingly wrong.

"Charges were never pressed, of course." The guy threw in. "Not only were the guys careful not to leave evidence, her own parents wouldn't believe her. They let her home school because she refused to leave the house. But her mom told her sewing society that she thought she was making it up to get attention."

Hiten shook his head. "Man, that's classic. Go figure. Besides, prudes never go far." He grinned slyly and looked at the girl under his arm. "What about you? To hear Kouga complain of it, you don't even kiss. Are you sure you're at the right party?" He made his voice mocking, almost meanly so.

She twisted her head to face him and played his game. "You're the one who wanted me to come." She smiled slightly, still fighting nausea. "Does that mean something?" She didn't wait for an answer. "Kouga's all talk. He'll never commit to anything while Ayame lives and breathes." Small lie. He'd cheated on Ayame before. Kagome was unforgivable though. She knew the pretty junior had been jealous of her ever since she and Kouga had started hanging out more regularly.

"Maybe he invited you," the guy who'd told Sango's story threw in. "But maybe you should practice a little. Hiten here's picky, he doesn't need to train a beginner."

"Yeah," the blonde one laughed. "That's what we're here for." Everyone laughed appreciatively and Kagome grabbed for an out.

"Well," she kept the smile plastered on. "While you guys discuss how to handle my virginity, I'm gonna go grab a drink, and maybe some ice from the kitchen." She gave a small wave, but then walked away without turning back. Her stomach was churning and she was afraid she'd start heaving then and there.

She grabbed a bottle to dump out and refill and made her way towards the kitchen. She crossed the tiled floor and started emptying the beer into the sink before she realized someone else was with her. "Oh!" She jumped, almost dropping the bottle in surprise. Sango blinked back at her, filling her own coors light with orange juice.

As if she hadn't felt sick enough, now someone had caught her red-handed breaking party rule number one. Drink until you're too drunk to stop. But at least that someone was guilty of the same crime. Kagome smiled weakly, not wanting to alienate the other girl, even in an act of self preservation. She swallowed the lie and gestured with her empty bottle. "Tricks of the trade, I guess." Her voice was breathy. A combination of her nausea and surprise at getting caught.

The other girl smiled, a starling contrast to the fiery display earlier. "Something like that, I suppose. It never hurts to be able to _think_ coherently at a party." That statement could have all sorts of double meanings, with her history. She finished filling her bottle, and crossed the room to fill Kagome's. "Our secret." She added, and Kagome nodded, relieved.

They both took a drink, but turned simultaneously as another guest entered the kitchen. "There you are, Sango!" The guy oozed charm, but there was some sincerity to it as he crossed the room with a smile. "I saw Onigumo's broken nose, so I figured you were here somewhere."

She glanced at his bottle. "What number is that? Getting drunk again Miroku?" She was tense, in spite of her light tone. Kagome could see her free hand clenching and unclenching. Was it contact with any boy that stressed her out, or was it just the one.

He grinned sheepishly. "Not drunk, my dear, just slightly tipsy. See, if I didn't, then I'd never find a girl to replace you each night. And then where would I be?" He looked at her pitifully.

"Still a virgin." Sango's voice was dry, but there was no anger to it. She relaxed slightly, her hand becoming still. Apparently as long as he stayed on his side of the room, she was fine.

He didn't bother defending himself. "Exactly. You're cruel you know." He glanced at Kagome. "But there is a chance for redemption. Who's your friend?" He gave her a friendly smile that had the nerve to seem innocent.

Sango didn't even answer him, instead she turned her attention to Kagome. "Be careful." She told her seriously. "He'll drop you like rock tomorrow. A heavy, ugly, brittle rock that will shatter to pieces if you cared about him at all." There was a smile playing on her lips, but it didn't reach her eyes. Her eyes looked as though a smile hadn't reached them in a long time.

Miroku gave her a reproachful look. "Sango! I'm hurt! I would never do anything a girl didn't want me to do!"

"Trouble is," Sango leaned sideways to murmur in Kagome's ear. "He'll make you want it. Just like he's done to every other poor girl." She was still smiling though, so Kagome doubted it was really as bad as it could be. He wasn't bleeding yet.

She excused herself to let the two of them banter in that almost friendly way, to let Sango try to be normal without an audience, and started to feel a little better. But she tried to avoid Hiten and the rest of the crowd, but it was hard. They were the type of people who were everywhere. After hours of entering and excusing herself from different groups, she still wasn't feeling that much better. She saw Miroku with a bunch of guys, and then later Sango, with girls who seemed to be her teammates.

Eventually she saw Hiten and the others again. Kouga was with them. All of them were catcalling as a drunk, or doped up, Kagura finished flinging off her shirt and dumped an entire bottle of beer over her head. He flowed through her hair and down her shoulders, streaking against her black bra, and finally gathering up at her belt. Kouga gave a wolf whistle, and laughed something crude that began with, "Even if she is my cousin . . ."

Hiten slapped Kouga on the back appreciatively, Kagura passed out on top of some seniors from the other school, people tossed around suggestions, another girl tried to take Kagura's place but was roughly pushed aside. People started pressing against each other, not in beat to the music, but just to get physically closer.

She backed away from the gathering, pushing threw the people waiting to join the frenzy. The air was thick with all kinds of smoke, and Hiten's laughter rang in her ears, somehow finding it's way to her vocal cords and choking her.

She raced up the steps to the top floor of the house and all but threw herself in the first room she saw. It was empty so she crossed the carpeted floor quickly and took vigil by the window, breathing heavily. She felt sick again, and _angry_. More angry then she'd ever let herself feel in public. Her anger called up visions of her father, Hitens leering face as he heard about Sango, the terrible story that everyone had laughed, _laughed_ at.

She didn't know how long she'd stood there, staring out that window with a stark, undirected fury, before someone opened the door. The roles were reversed. Framed by the light from the hall, the darkness of the room still didn't let her see his face. But she recognized the silver glint in his hair. If he was going to say anything, she beat him to it.

"Life sucks, then you die. Right?" She demanded. "If anyone had any self-respect, any love for themselves at all, they'd put themselves out of their misery and not bother with the rest of stupid, perverse, horribly, sinfully, disgustingly evil sheep out there." Her breathing was ragged, but she didn't care. "What's the point, either you're hurting someone or someone's hurting you. Masochism and Sadism are practically the same thing. It just hurts. It doesn't care who it's hurting, it just hurts."

Part of her demanded an answer from him. The other part was mortified at what she'd done. In four long strides he crossed the room until he stood across from her. His amber eyes were so intense she felt chills go down her spine, but she refused to look away.

"Life sucks, then you die." He repeated her words to her, his voice clear and strong. "It just hurts. That's exactly how it is. Life hurts. _All_ we get to do is decide who hurts the most." He believed every word he said, and while she half wanted to protest, to deny even her own accusations against reality, what he said was so concrete. It made sense. It was solid, she could grasp it.

_I don't want to hurt._ She almost said the words, but pride held her back. She knew he'd think less of her if she voiced such a weakness, and she wanted to be strong. Wasn't that the first step to getting rid of the pain? So she didn't say it, didn't cry, didn't even let herself break away from his gaze until she'd spoken back to him. "I know." She said, her voice every bit as firm as his had been.

She turned away and curled up on top of the bed on the opposite side of the room. "I know." She whispered again to herself, hugging herself as tight as she could until her body relaxed of its own accord. He'd been staring out the window, but just as she was drifting off to sleep, she thought he looked back at her. But she could have been dreaming.

* * *

OKAY

So?

What'd you think of that? See, yeah, it might seem strange and unnatural, but some situations ARE strange and unnatural by their very nature. And that thing with Sango? If any of you don't believe it can happen, trust me, it can. I had a friend in high school who was first raped after a party by a guy friend (and her parents didn't believe her) and then was later gang raped. But by that time she figured what was the point, that nobody cared either way anyway, so she never reported them. Ugly things happen, and people take them in stride every day. So maybe some of you think I should have written it uglier, and maybe I should have, but it makes me so angry I can't dwell on it. Just stating it is as ugly as I can make it. And I don't know what you guys are gonna think about Kagome's reaction to everything either, but honestly, I can see that reaction. Especially from someone who thinks she's playing a drugs, sex, and alcohol game, but realizes she's supposed to play along with things like rape.

Oh, and Inuyasha's seemingly random bit of insight and conversational skills? Yeah, he's going through stuff too that make him more loose tongued then he might normally be.

Anyways! Lemme know what you think, please? You'll never know how much it means to me to read what you guys THINK! Like when something clicks and you say, "Yeah, I've felt like that," or when you can imagine a situation or when it's familiar, all that makes me shiver with joy! SO lemme know!

Rogue Pryde.


End file.
